Thursday, January 19, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

These were forwarded to me by e-mail:

For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer
this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but dammit, they need
to apply to SOMEBODY.


1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't
particularly like them or give a shit! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.


2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was
only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.


3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: "lucky bastards".
And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My
God, that's terrible" or " What has the world come to?" is secretly
saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!" Every one.


4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
If you only have One? Fine, make it into two. Problem solved.


5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water, pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. There's your flavored water.


6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," you're such a big asshole that you'll probably capture
regular sized assholes in orbit around you. You might as well ask the
kid to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that
type of order, dumbshit.


7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and
it translates to "beef with broccoli."
Spirituality is revealed by a dedication to ideals that transcend the
gratification of the self, not by low-rise jeans. The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do
you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on
their butt cracks?


8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change?


10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies'
first poop party and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
called "Social Extortion."


11. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web
cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands. Now get out of my face!


12. New Rule: When I ask how old your kid is, please don't tell me in
months. "Oh, He's 27 Months." Cut it out.
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.

Maybe with these simple rules to follow in 2006 life would a little
better.

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