Funny Headlines

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT- The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS- The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]- The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON- The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS- Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION- The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL- The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW- Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX- San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE- Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS- The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING- The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS- The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!- The Houston Chronicle


AND THE YEAR'S BEST REAL HEADLINES ARE ...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors