Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Bush drops the "F" Bomb

Bush Drops F-Bombs, Knowledge On Tony Blair

Much has been made of the supposedly off-the-air conversation between U.S. President George W.Stopdoingthisshit Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 Summit in Russia. Speaking on the recent clashes between Israel and Hezbollah in Lebanon, and thinking that the microphone was turned off, President Bush opined that "the thing is what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s*** and it's over."

The President's egregious use of foul language was such that fellow fake news organ The New York Times, broke with two of their long-standing positions in their publication of Bush's remarks; using the "s-word" and opposing spying on American citizens.

"We felt that it was in the public's best interest to highlight the use of a Presidential s-bomb," stated a Times spokesman. "If he can say things like that when he thinks no one is listening, then what do you think he's doing when... he... umm... well you know what I mean."

TNOYF's Senior Presidential Cursing Correspondent was on hand to capture several other potty-mouthed Bush-to-Blair asides. Among these are the following:

* "Damned if that Clay Aiken can't belt out a motherf***ing sweet tune."
* "I swear to God if Chirac doesn't shut his crepe`-hole about Israel's 'disproportionate response' I'm gonna go straight gangsta on his a**."
* "Whoever the f*** decided to mix chocolate and peanut butter was a f***ing genius!"
* "Hey T-man, do you have room in the trunk of your limo for the Dixie Chicks? Those a**holes went too far this last time."

Again from The Nose on Your Face.

Slow Times in Danbury, Conn.

Woman blinded in one eye by carrot

MONROE (AP) - A 46-year-old man is accused of assaulting his wife with a carrot, causing her to lose sight in one eye.

Roderick Vecsey is charged with second-degree assault and disorderly conduct.

Pamela Vecsey, 46, underwent six outs of surgery after being hit in the left eye with the vegetable Saturday night, but doctors were not able to restore her vision, prosecutor Stephanie Damiani said.

The couple was arguing when Roderick Vecsey tossed the carrot, Damiani said.

Roderick Vecsey told Judge Patrick Carroll that it was a terrible accident, and was advised to remain silent.

The judge set a hearing for Thursday. Vecsey is currently free after posting $500 bond.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Irish National Yoga Team Takes Home Top Honors

Our sincere congratulations go out to the lads from the Irish National Yoga Team for winning first place at the recently completed "World Cup of Yoga". In this exclusive photo taken from one of their training sessions, Keegan O'Shea (piss drunk at right) demonstrates the limp-bodied form that left the rest of the world in their collective wake. Meanwhile, Steven McGuiggan (piss drunk at left) quietly encourages his teammate.
(From The Nose on Your Face)

Pithy Putdowns

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.

Alone: In bad company.

Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.

I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.

You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

He smells the coffee, but can't find a cup.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.

I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

I certainly hope you are sterile.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.

He's the first in his family born without a tail.

He's so dense that light bends around him.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Talk is cheap, but so are you.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.

Too bad stupidity isn't painful.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Best Obituary Ever

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"
Published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch on 7/9/2006.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

July 4th in America

From Ralph Kinney Bennett at Tech Central Station:

Liberty is the air America breathes...
-- On a plaque in the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty

"As usual we'll gather at Conneaut Lake, up in northwestern Pennsylvania, as we have, some of us, for forty years or more.

A lot of folks who bought fireworks on the way up will be anxious to use them and we'll hear crackers going off all weekend.

On the Fourth, toward evening, we'll build a fire on the little pebbled beach by the lake and line up a couple of picnic tables. Neighbors will bring hot dogs and buns, marshmallows and coleslaw, deviled eggs and baked beans and watermelon and potato chips. There'll be Cokes and iced tea and lemonade.

Some of the younger kids will have to be dragged out of the water by the dock and told to put their fishing poles down and we'll all gather around Mr. Hessler's flag pole and someone will give thanks for the food and for the families gathered there, then end with something like "we thank you God for this great country and for our freedom." It will be a loud prayer to be heard above the sound of the motor boats and jet skis out on the lake.

Then we'll eat and laugh, shielding ourselves from the heat of the fire with our free hand while holding our hot dog roasting sticks in the other. When the darkness finally begins to gather we'll throw another log on the fire, toast marshmallows and sit back to watch the fireworks rising in the sky over Conneaut Lake Park, just a half mile across the water.

It is unlikely there will be any discussions of the meaning of liberty or reflections on the Declaration of Independence and the men who signed it. No history lessons or patriotic readings. We'll just relax and joke and maybe sing a little, and after the fireworks we'll look at the stars as we herd sleepy grandchildren back to our cottages or drive home to tumble into bed to the sound of the last few firecrackers and bottle rockets.

That's the whole point of it, you know. The whole point. To be so free, so much a part of something unique and strong and wonderful, so safe inside that wonderful thing called the United States, that you really don't even have to think about it.

In the smell of that cook fire, in the giggles and shouts as the fireworks lace the night sky, in the warmth of old friendships, in all the unshadowed freedom of the moment, lies the essence of what we celebrate.

It seems too simple and almost irreverent somehow, this unspoken yet grateful intuition about liberty and independence. But it's really the sublime culmination of all the dreams and sacrifices of our forefathers -- this happy gathering for no other purpose than to enjoy the blessing of being Americans."