Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Beautiful Atrocities Essential Guide to Meth


The 80s were a Golden Age of low taxes, cheap gas, Prince, Cheers, & beautiful people tweeking out on fine imported pharmaceuticals. Then came the 90s: Friends, the Clintons, Celine Dion, & crack. If coke was Macy's, crack was Target: cheap no-frills off-the-rack thrills.

Now we have meth, the Walmart of recreational drugs. No longer can you glamorously piss your life away along with the soulless Hollywood glitterati. Now it's you & every other trailer park Sally from Tucson to North Platte. In an effort to maintain some semblance of standards, here are a few places where producers still attempt a quality product:

Stockton / Modesto: As Napa is to Chardonnay, the Central Valley is to meth, turning out a product with E-cup personality & a caustic yet delicate bouquet with flavors of battery acid, lighter fluid, Maximum Strength Dristan, chloroform, Mountain Dew, pine tar, MSG, & a whisper of balsamic vinegar. The ammonia finish lingers forever. Literally.

Mexicali: For the more refined palate that prefers an imported blend. Produced in quaint, well-fortified bodegas, it boasts an ice-pick pungency with notes of chipotle, cyanide, hydrochloric acid, horchata, ether, manzanita, Laetrile, epazote, & the piquancy of utter desolation. Good with Skittles & Alka Seltzer.

Lincoln / Omaha: Many fine houses springing up along Nebraska's Highway 80, aka Hwy Eight Ball. A naphtha-laced nose packed with Dexatrim & sugar beets. With heat, gives notes of Drano, Red Bull, turpentine, mesquite, road tar, & mercury. An unpretentious product that can be used young or cellared for next weekend.

Nacogdoches: The piney woods of East Texas are home to an unfiltered, opaque gray product with arabesques of lye, Sudafed, Liquid Smoke, burnt toffee, hydrogen peroxide, swamp gas, & Worcestershire sauce. Occasional off-odor like decomposing corpse. An acquired taste, like blowfish or Andrew Lloyd Weber. Goes well with Excedrin & orange marshmallow peanuts.


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