Tuesday, September 20, 2005

New Headlines

Shamelessly purloined from On the Patio.

"After Kirstie Alley joins Star Jones on 'The View,' the show is officially renamed, 'The Obstructed View.'"

"Sales of Oscar Mayer Wieners will plummet when it is revealed their design is based on Oscar Mayer's actual wiener."

"General Motors will end all the juvenile Hummer jokes by renaming its popular vehicle the Knob Gobbler."

"There will be yet another spin-off of 'The Apprentice.' This time featuring O.J. Simpson and his signature catch phrase, 'You're Murdered.'"

"Sad, because they can no longer write about Bennifer, gossip writers will start to refer to the Hollywood couple of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as Brad-gina!"

"Facing huge legal fees stemming from charges of child molestation, Michael Jackson will sell his Neverland Ranch. Unfortunately, he will sell it to the Catholic Church."

"Parents will no longer let their kids watch SpongeBob SquarePants, when it's revealed that SpongeBob once worked as a female contraceptive."

"Major-league baseball will finally crack down on steroids, Barry Bonds will again lead the Majors in homeruns with 3."

"In the lesbian version of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' gay women go to a straight woman's apartment and add more electrical outlets."

"The owner of 'Hooters' will open a far less successful restaurant, 'Saggers'."


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Anonymous Damian said...

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2:16 PM  

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