20 Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

1. A sworn enemy will never, ever be as vindictive and venomous as an ex-"friend." (If you're reading this you miserable viper, you will immediately know that I'm talking about you).
2. The only difference between drunks and alcoholics are that drunks don't go to meetings.
3. It only takes one fire ant to ruin your day.
4. The only thing more unproductive than a meeting is a meeting with "breakout sessions."
5. There is no such thing as a government conspiracy. It is impossible for more than three government employees (I am one) to agree on a place to eat lunch.
6. People who don't understand the English language will not understand it any better if you speak it louder.
7. It is impossible to successfully cross-examine a witness through an interpreter.
8. People that can't play a musical intrument well compensate by playing louder.
9. Never, ever share your favorite fishing spot with anyone living less than 250 miles away from it.
10. If you open any book, the odd number pages are always on the right side.
11. True happiness will never just suddenly materialize-it must be clearly visualized, focused on like a laser beam, and pursued selfishly and aggressively.
12. Life's too short to spend one minute trying to please a jerk or a bitch.
13. In objects that are man-made, flaws are not defects, they are the humanity.
14. No record company will ever go broke by underestimating the musical taste of the general public.
15. I will never develop a taste for cucumbers, mayonnaise, olives or Scotch.
16. No matter how much your cat loves you, he will never resist the temptation to take a swipe at your leg if the opportunity presents itself.
17. Some find the Lord 'cause they "see the light," others cause they "feel the heat."
18. There is a cure for drug addiction-there is no cure for thievery.
19. Never let the fear of losing discourage you from the good fight.
20. I would rather be in a boat with a drink on the rocks, than in the drink with a boat on the rocks.