Summer Cold

Is there anything more annoying? Especially on a weekend. I'd rather cut my fingernails too short or step in a festering mound of fire ants than do battle with a headcold in the summer. I've been lucky enough to have eluded a major cold or sinus infection for well over a year-that is until this past Wednesday. The general fatigue, sinus pressure, scratchy throat and post-nasal drip foreshadow at least a week of hell-then you add to the shitty feeling with an array of syrup, sprays and homeopathic "remedies," all of which seem to be an evil mix of candy-flavored alcohol and crystal meth. Men tend to be problem solvers, actually more accurately problem "attackers." We want to do something, even if it's wrong and even if it has never, ever solved the problem before. Sitting around and letting the snotfest run it's course is not an option.
We attack the first symptom-Stuffy Nose. First weapon-the new homeopathic swab jammed up to bottom eyelid. The relief is immediate (due to the auguring of the nasal cavity with the cotton-topped stick) but short-lived (until the nasal cavity realizes it doesn't have to accomodate said stick). Second weapon-the new homeopathic, anti-allergy nasal spray-the price and box size of which cunningly hide a meager 1/2 oz. of spray. Screw the directions! Once every four hours my ass-hell, it's homeopathic. If I'm still stuffy I'm gonna give it a squirt everytime I walk past the table it sits upon-making the $12.00 bottle last less than a day. Weapon three-the nuclear bomb-the 12 or 24 hour nasal decongestant. The trade-off? Sure you get either 12 or 24 hours of nasal congestion relief but you also get that same amount of time of twitching and scalp tingling and the hypervigilance of someone who has drunk a dozen 16 oz. espressos in a row. This charge does not help the positive concentration powers of a person who already has the attention span of a gnat but it does imbue you with the restless energy needed to pick at a scab for half a day or to twist your hair out of it's follicle or pull out your eyebrows or scratch yourself endlessly-all endearing endeavors sure to impress your spouse or roommate. The cleared-out sinus feeling comes on immediately followed shortly by the realization that you can no longer feel the top of your head, except for your hair, which feels heavy- like a biking helmet on top of a numbed skull.
Symptom two-Chest cold and cough. When you've chased all the crap from your head, it usually settles in the chest where it is hacked up for a few days. Only weapon-pick and choose from an array of tussins and 'quils. It doesn't matter which one-they taste as if you crunched down 20 large candy-canes and chased them with a pint of "Old Spaniel." Not only will you be on your ass shortly, but your sense of taste will be gone and your tongue will need to be scraped by a wire brush for the next month to remove the syrupy coating.
Symptom three-Sore throat- Weapon employed-Gargling. Gargling is a sadistic exercise prohibited by the Geneva Convention for use on prisoners of war. Fill your mouth with children's cough syrup or aspirin dissolved in hot water, tilt your head back and try to hold the sstuff as far down your throat as possible without swallowing it-all while "trilling" the liquid mixture around the affected area. The balance is precarious and you look goofy as hell doing it which invariably results in horselaughing and swallowing the nasty solution or discharging it violently out through your nose.
I'm trying my new remedy-rum and coke and copious amounts of sleep. If I can't beat it, at least I'll be as oblivious to it as possible.