Thursday, July 28, 2005

Renee Zellwegger-What Were You Drinking?

Libbi Bosworth is an Austin, Texas singer-songwriter. Her website contains some personal rants that she labels as "hissy fits" on the link at the bottom of the site. I was scrolling down and found one regarding the Kenny Chesney-Renee Zellwegger nuptials that was worth sharing. I am lucky to be able to read music, know a good deal of music theory, play guitar at about a 3 handicap, have excellent "relative pitch" (in other words, if I know the key of a song, I can recognize the chords in my head), and have a keen ear for great tunes and lyrics. Let me hear 10 seconds of a band's work and I can tell you if they are the real deal or if they are phony, untalented poseurs. This post is guaranteed to offend those that feed from the "pig trough" that is big FM country radio. Most people buy their music because it is played repeatedly on these corporated controlled stations or because they think the singer('s) are hot looking. Do you think for a minute if Faith Hill or Shania Twain looked like Phyllis Diller, that they would sell a single CD? Here is my list of popular artists that make me want to throw a brick through my TV or take a 2x4 to the radio:


1. Kenny Chesney- It's not the fact that he looks like ET in a cowboy hat and wears "wife-beater" tank tops on stage to show off the biceps he has developed to cope with his "short man's" complex- He's a phony, Jimmy Buffett wannabee. The crowd that flocks to his stadium concerts and is "transported" by the crap coming out of the loudspeakers should be individually identified and denied the right to vote.

2. Montgomery Gentry- What's the deal with that moron in the trenchcoat that thinks the mic stand is a musical instrument. What's up with the other guy who's name is allegedly Troy but is called T-Roy. These aren't good ol' boys-they're a couple of no-talent idiots who unfortunately happen to be from the South.

3. Tim McGraw-How can you watch the Indian Outlaw video or listen to the song without concluding that the man has no shame. And seeing this slit-eyed moron walking around in the rain in the UK with his leather hat sends my blood pressure through the roof. I hope he and Faith end up where they belong-sitting on concrete block stoops outside their single-wide as their kids play in the old refrigerators and broke down cars littering their dirt backyard, the hounddog doubles over to lick his hotspots and the next door neighbor flings them a day old carp to grill on the hibachi for supper. Is there no God?

4. Rascal Flatts-Cutesy name, cute band-their "work" is the musical equivalent of a hate crime.

5. She-Daisy-See above comment. Can't wait to see them pack the stadium when their boobs hang to their knees. Pathetic Dixie Chicks "knockoff."

6. Shania Twain- When she starts to look like Kate Smith the fans will drop her like a hot skillet. A twirling fake indian in a push up bra-if that bra-clasp breaks it will fly off and kill someone.

7. Cledus T. Judd- This goober reinforces every negative southern stereotype that has ever existed. Yea, we all ride around on John Deere lawnmowers and jabber like a bunch of mush-mouthed magpies. He's not a tool, he's a complete toolbox. He actually convinced some record company to release his aptly titled, "Bi-polar and Proud." Hell, he doesn't have enough gray matter to be bi-polar.


Oh yeah, here's that Libbi Bosworth rant for your enjoyment:



IN THE “WHAT THE FUH????” CATEGORY:

I have been so bored with the lives of celebrities. No one’s really given me any good fodder since Britney married whozit. Brad and Jen—that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Brad and Angelina. If it’s not an affair yet it will be. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Nice, sweet, couple, they seem right for each other. He probably counts his blessings everyday that things didn’t go the other way for him. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Creepy, for sure, but par for the course for Tom in my opinion. Beard.

Today, however, as I was ready to crawl back into bed, I booted up the computer just for a check on the comings and goings of celebrities and HOLY CRAP. Who needs coffee when your headlines are screaming at you. (Obviously I take gossip very personally). Let me borrow the phrase from George Bush: SHOCK AND AWE. Renee Zellweger marries…Kenny Chesney??!! Huh? Double take. How do you go from Jim Carrey to moody and cult-cool super talented Jack White to Irish Singer/looker Damien Rice to…Kenny Chesney??!!

3 beaus in 8 months no less. It takes six months alone to make sure you don’t shout out the wrong boyfriend’s name in bed. Maybe she has old boyfriends’ names alphabetized and categorized in such a way that she doesn’t have that problem. I guess that’s what makes the difference between us simple Texas gals and the ones that go to Hollywood and buy Carolina Herrera tampons and practice perfect pouting everyday.

While I’m sure they are both VERY NICE PEOPLE (lawyer advised disclaimer here) I just absolutely cannot see the attraction between these two people. I mean, Kenny Chesney is touring with Uncle Kracker for chrissakes, a 20 something pudgy frat boy with tattoos who looks (and sounds) like he grew up no where near the ‘hood and wouldn’t know a carjacking if it bit him in the ass. And I am certain that while people are scratching their heads over Renee’s I Do’s, legions of Kenny Chesney fans are, at this very moment, bombarding Kenny’s website and sobbing over their keyboards. Sorry, gals, there is no plea bargaining here. Too late to get into his concerts and slip backstage: the dude is sold out all over. Could the same be said for Renee or did she just grow weary of 'complicated' men?

Libbi
May 10, 2005

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