One Liners

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
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Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
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Mind Like a Steel Trap -- Rusty and Illegal in 37 States.
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Quantum Mechanics : The dreams stuff is made of.
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Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
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Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of Religion.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Ambition is a poor excuse fore not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
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If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
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When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
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Boycott champagne! Demand the real pain!
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
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Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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Join the Army; meet interesting people; kill them.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
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For sale: one parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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Black holes are where God divided by zero.